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Getting to the Heart of Change by Ron Wu PhD, CMC

Change. It seldom comes easily, even when we want to do things differently. As the saying goes, "old habits die hard." Have you ever wondered why?

We’re creatures of habit. Habits simplify our lives. Some habits help us grow, others keep us stuck by creating barriers between us and our emotions.

Sometimes, circumstances force us to change. Look at smoking. Thousands of people have quit smoking due to social pressures or concerns about health. Yet, many have replaced smoking with something else, overeating, for example. Often, those who successfully "break" an old habit find a new one to take its place.

Why? Because we try to change behavior without addressing the underlying emotions. You can think about change in at least three ways.

1. Some change is incremental: an adjustment in behavior, altering its frequency, its duration or its intensity. To continue with our example, you might smoke only after dinner, or give up cigarettes for an occasional cigar or stop inhaling.

2. Then again, you might stop the behavior altogether, replacing it with a new behavior. You might choose to eat or exercise or take anti-anxiety medication instead of smoking.

3. At a deeper level, change transforms you. Usually provoked by a crisis; the old habit becomes impossible to maintain any longer. More than simply a change in behavior, you undergo an identity crisis. In the process, parts of your old identity die. Take time to grieve. As your new identity emerges, you’ll frequently experience a deep sense of renewal or rebirth: a blossoming of creativity, love and joy.

How do we find our way to this transformation? After all, long-standing habits of thought and behavior are strong. Habits resist change vigorously. You may hear them speak inside of you: "You need me." "You’ll never change." "You can’t…"
Actually, you can.

Honor the Rebel Inside
Genuine change means more than just altering behavior; it means going deeper than you’ve been willing or able to go before to discover your authentic self. This takes courage. As you start to make changes, expect resistance from within.

When you begin your process of change, instead of fighting the resistance you encounter: honor it. Honor the rebel inside you. After all, that rebellious spirit is a vital part of what brought you to the place you are today. Grieve for part of you that you must leave behind in order to move ahead.

Honoring your resistance is part of learning to love yourself and that is essential to your inner transformation. At this moment, whoever you are, wherever you are, you are perfect just as you—perfect in your imperfection. Once you accept this, you can change.

The Paradox of Change
Does it sound contradictory to honor the resistance you encounter inside and yet to decide to move forward? Perhaps it is. Yet, when you honor your rebel, you grow stronger. You learn to exercise your emotional muscle, to accept what the old role has meant in your life and the fact that its time is now ending.

By honoring your inner resistance to change, you prepare yourself for the time beyond today. So, embrace your resistance. Acknowledge its diminishing value to you, grieve for it, and then, gradually, let it go.

Authenticity and Values
Change is rarely easy—particularly transformational change. Yet, as you grow more honest with yourself, you’ll also grow more open and more direct in all your relationships. From this state of vulnerability, a renewed sense of self-confidence emerges.

At the heart of this transformation, you rediscover your authentic self. As you honor yourself and reconnect with your feelings, you also find it easier to honor others—accepting them wherever they are without judging them. You create an atmosphere where people feel safe being honest with you. You increase the impact you have on others and inspire people to be themselves around you.

By practicing open and direct communication with others, you create a model others emulate. In the process, you enact a form of leadership based on influence, instead of on authority. Everyone you connect with will grow stronger, and you’ll connect more often and more deeply.

Change and Redirection
Transformational change takes work. It doesn’t happen over night. Yet, developing this profound level of self-awareness and self-assurance frees you from the emotional baggage that stands in your way right now, frees you to become the person that deep inside you know you are or the one you are aching to discover.

We all learn and grow in our own way and at our own pace, but none of us is immune to the impact of emotions. They provide information essential to making sound decisions, to creative problem-solving and to transforming our lives in positive ways. That’s why it’s so important to pay attention to our emotions.

Over the next few weeks, you have the opportunity to choose change in the setting that seems most conducive to your own intention. For some, focusing on emotional intelligence training serves as an effective introduction to transformational change. For others, learning with a mate or partner creates an intimate atmosphere in which to grow, both individually and together.